Is Love Meant to Feel This Way?

When Love Feels Conditional: The Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Discipline

Have you ever felt like your parent's love depends on how well you follow their rules or if you agree with everything they say? Maybe if you don't act a certain way, there’s a punishment. Sometimes it’s obvious—like getting yelled at or grounded. Other times, it’s more subtle—like receiving the silent treatment, being ignored, or even having basic needs withheld, such as not being picked up when you need them.

That kind of love can feel confusing, especially when you’re just trying to figure out who you are. Love from a parent should feel safe, no matter what. It’s normal for families to have disagreements—that doesn't mean love should be taken away or used as a way to control you.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Discipline

Discipline is an important part of parenting, but there’s a difference between healthy guidance and unhealthy punishment.

Example of Healthy Discipline:

Your parent sets a rule about screen time, but you break it by staying up late on your phone. Instead of yelling or withdrawing their affection, they explain why sleep is important and enforce a consequence, like reducing screen time the next day. They also encourage a conversation about why you broke the rule and how you can work together to avoid it happening again. This approach teaches responsibility while maintaining trust and respect.

Example of Unhealthy Discipline:

You express a different opinion from your parent on a personal topic, like who you want to be friends with or your career interests. Instead of listening, they give you the silent treatment for days, making you feel invisible and unworthy of their love. This type of reaction can cause emotional distress, anxiety, and even long-term self-doubt.

When Discipline Becomes Harmful

Sometimes, unhealthy discipline can have real health consequences. Constant yelling and humiliation can lead to increased stress, anxiety, or depression. Being emotionally neglected—like when a parent refuses to speak to you for extended periods—can make you feel isolated and unsupported, which may impact your mental health and self-esteem. In more severe cases, neglect or excessive punishment can lead to physical health issues such as headaches, stomach problems, or trouble sleeping due to chronic stress.

When Discipline Turns Into Parental Alienation

In some cases, unhealthy discipline is used as a tool for parental alienation. This happens when one parent manipulates a child into rejecting or fearing the other parent. It’s a form of emotional abuse that can be subtle or extreme, but the goal is the same: to control the child’s loyalty and damage their relationship with the other parent.

Examples of Parental Alienation Through Discipline:

• Rewarding rejection: A parent might praise or give extra attention to a child when they refuse to see or speak to the other parent.

• Withholding love as punishment: If a child expresses a desire to spend time with the alienated parent, they might be met with the silent treatment or guilt-tripping, making them feel ashamed for wanting a relationship with both parents.

• False narratives as discipline: The parent might discipline the child by making them feel guilty or fearful about the other parent, saying things like, "You’re just like them—you’re going to hurt me too."

• Using access as leverage: A child may be told that they won’t be able to see their friends, get certain privileges, or have a peaceful home life unless they comply with rejecting the other parent.

Over time, this type of manipulation can make a child feel trapped, forcing them to comply with the alienating parent's wishes to avoid conflict or emotional distress. This can lead to confusion, guilt, and even long-term identity struggles as they navigate relationships in the future.

You Deserve Unconditional Love

If you're feeling scared that love might disappear when you don’t meet certain expectations, you're not alone. Love should never be something you have to earn by being "perfect" in someone else’s eyes. You deserve to feel supported and valued just for being you.

If you want to talk to someone who understands what you’re going through, Bond Squad Connect is here—a safe place where you can share what’s on your mind, connect with others who understand, and find the support you need.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. You are worthy of love, no matter what.

You're not too sensitive. You're not imagining things. Your feelings matter 💙